The Difference Between Forgiveness and Trust

Forgiveness is something we all need. And yet it is one of the most difficult things to give. In fact, Jesus makes a strong point that His followers ought to forgive every single time.

21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” 22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. (Matthew 18:21-22)

The point was not to do the math and then forgive that precise amount, but instead to forgive every time!

At its core, forgiveness is releasing the debt someone owes because of their guilt caused by wrongdoing.

In this regard, we are to forgive someone every time, just as God has forgiven us of all our sin.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Ephesians 4:32)

So the more we understand the depths of God’s forgiveness of us, the more power He gives us to be able to forgive others in any circumstance. However, while we are to forgive others unconditionally, that does not imply that we are to trust unconditionally.

Forgiveness and trust are two entirely different things.

How so?

Forgiveness is given, trust is earned.

When someone does us wrong we are to look back at how God has forgiven us as the motivation to forgive others, even if we feel justified in withholding it. We are to be generous and treat forgiveness as a given. By releasing them of the incurred guilt we are refusing to let bitterness take hold of our heart. Bitterness and resentment are poison to us. Forgiveness, then, does not only do good for the other person, it does us good too. On the other hand, trust is earned. Trust is fragile. When trust is broken, it is okay for there to be a path to reconciliation, and in some cases permanent boundaries to protect yourself.

Trust involves the future. When you give someone your trust you are putting yourself in a vulnerable future state (depending on the level of trust they have). You can forgive someone without trusting them. Forgiveness does not necessarily restore the relationship to the same status (that is reconciliation).

Reconciliation implies that there was a rupture of the relationship and through forgiveness being given and trust being rebuilt, reconciliation takes place.

Reconciliation repairs relationships by joining them back together, either to the state they were before or potentially even stronger! So, reconciliation is about the present status of the relationship.

We always need to forgive, but there might be instances when we need to put up some healthy boundaries to protect ourselves. Again, forgiveness does not equate to trust.

What are healthy boundaries?

We address this in a previous blog post based on Matthew 18 that you can read here.

Here is part of it:

Healthy boundaries can prevent conflict from becoming even a bigger issue with more emotional weight and collateral damage. Healthy boundaries are like a hedge of space that gives us distance from the conflict and the person with whom the conflict is with. Importantly, boundaries speak to actions we will or will not take, not actions we demand other people take. Saying “you may not talk to me that way ever again” is not a boundary because that tries to control how other people speak. Saying “I will hang up the phone or walk out of the room the next time you speak to me that way” is a healthy boundary because it states what action we will take.

In summary, it is just as important to remember a contrast of what forgiveness is and is not. Forgiveness is not excusing the other person’s behavior. It is not deleting a memory. It’s healing a memory. Forgiveness is not making the other person right. It’s making us free. It is not necessarily trusting them immediately. Trust is rebuilt over time and requires a track record. Forgiveness is not allowing them to continue to hurt you. It doesn’t mean you have to continue to include the person in your life. 

We understand this is a complex issue with a variety of applications based on the situation. It is always wise to consider speaking with a godly, Christian counselor who can help you navigate these things. But the bottom line is this, we need to find a way to forgive others. And God will always lead us that way if we will go to Him. There we will find healing.

8 Comments

  1. Jacquelyn Jones on June 18, 2022 at 1:12 am

    Thank you this is so enlightening . I understand the entire article but I must say once a person has violated my trust I can forgive but I just rather keep my distance because in my mindbonce tryst is broken I just can not or will not ever extend my self open to trusting the person again. Because to me when one rejects a true friend always there and then gets stabbed in the back. This time the knife will be thrown from a distance instead of up close and personal. Keeping it 💯

  2. Jacquelyn Jones on June 18, 2022 at 1:14 am

    Supposed to have said my trust has been violated. Above first post.

    • Brayden Brookshier on June 18, 2022 at 2:10 am

      Thank you for the feedback! It sounds like you understood the essence of the blog post, from what I gather from your comment. Since forgiveness and trust are not the same, we can forgive but then also put up healthy boundaries and parameters (and distance) between ourselves and the person who violated our trust. We cannot harbor bitterness or unforgiveness, but we can establish stable boundaries. Keep processing and keep going! Blessings.

  3. Rene on October 8, 2022 at 4:50 pm

    Forgiveness has become easy for me to give. But the trust that gets broken is much harder to heal from, and especially when it’s a spouse who betrays us. I decided to forgive each time,and stay, as I believe in my marriage and I believe God is doing a good thing and if I never trust my husband again, I trust in the Lord, and from him I find peace.

    • Mary on January 20, 2024 at 5:42 pm

      Hi,
      I am struggling with this. My husband and I are on the verge of separation. Mainly on my end because of the emotional abuse for the past 5 years. I am scared though to leave, we have 2 children, 3 and 5. We are going to a counselor because last August I told him he needed to go to the church, counselor or I was leaving. He went to find a counselor. We have gone 7 times. The last session ended very badly. The counselor told me I am should continue to forgive him when he does what he does. She quoted this scripture about forgiving 7 x 77. I got very mad because this statement in front of him gives him freedom to continue his actions and I have to forgive but as long as he is improving it’s ok. The problem is he isn’t improving.But I don’t trust his words. He has accused me, put me down, and expects me to be happy and give him sex at his command. Is there scripture to help me with his actions? Thanks!!!

      • Newbreak Teaching Team on January 21, 2024 at 2:30 pm

        It’s hard to respond to this in a public forum, so maybe we can generalize a few things here. First, it’s never OK to be in an unsafe situation. Second, forgiveness does not mean forgetfulness. Agreement means that all parties involved work on things together. While seeing a counselor together is helpful, it is often done best in tandem with both also seeing one individually. Why? Well, both parties involved have work to do.

  4. Ernestine Gordon on May 9, 2023 at 3:33 pm

    Thank you for clearing this matter up for me. I helped out a person whenever they asked or someone asked for my assistance on their behalf. When she joined the same ministry she was critical of everything I did and hung up on me three times. I did pray about it and forgave her. She wanted things to go back the way things were before but I had to set boundaries on how we interacted together. Knowing the difference between forgiveness and trust helped me understand that I do not have to allow my kindness toward others to be abused. Loving God and forgiving my sister in Christ frees me from the harmful thoughts of bitterness.

    • Newbreak Teaching Team on May 10, 2023 at 11:50 am

      Such a beautiful story and testament to seeking a whole and healthy relationship.

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